Michael Scott calling...

Hans Jive

Film buff insider joke from another era:

Liberty shot first!

read the directions. After all, they are there to protect the manufacturer

Any time I utilize the convenience of a Healthy Choice, Lean Cusine or other variety of frozen mystery meat goodness on a plastic tray - no matter where I am, I always whip out my handy, pocket sized meat thermometer to verify it has cooked to a sufficient temperature, killing any intergalactic organisms which might be lurking within..... doesn't EVERYONE?

September hath 30

Our days are numbered*. 

Makes finding one of them on a calender that much more convenient.

*variation on theme: There are only so many hours in a day.
(Yes, 24 to be exact.)

me

I am so self absorbed I feel no obligation to complete a punch line.

Holiday Movies We'll Never See

The Christmas Treasure

A rich, jaded entertainment lawyer from California finds himself stranded in rural Kentucky where he is given shelter and solace by a poor but proud backwoods family. Observing their simple honest ways he begins to understand the good Christian values of their life.

A week before Christmas, their young son who, due to a hereditary illness is going blind, falls into a previously forgotten well. The lawyer risks his life and misses an important business meeting in order to save the boy's life. As a result of the rescue efforts, he becomes privy to secret information that this well taps into the waters of the freshest and most abundant spring within a thousand miles.

He conspires with a local, crooked, real estate banker to have them evicted and, two days before Christmas he buys the land for pennies on the dollar. The family becomes homeless; their son loses his sight in a charity hospital; and the lawyer resells the land to Proctor and Gamble for a cool $700 Million profit and retires to South America.
Sponsored by the new bottled water Kentucky Fresh from P&G.

The Holiday Alphabet - Drastically Abridged. E is for:

E  is for -
Embarrasment.

The holidays are like a minefield, chock full of potential embarrassments. As Mark Twain once noted, cryptically "Man is the only animal that blushes -  or needs to."  What a scamp! Mark Twain's real name, of course, was Hal Holbrook who is best known for portraying Samuel Clemmons and seven other characters in the One-Man Spanish language production Y Tu, Tu Twain

One night in the middle of a love scene Twain/Holbrook/Clemmons sprained his tongue and was forced to complete the performance with a pronounced limp. Years later, when asked what was his most embarrassing moment onstage, Twain smiles knowingly but Holbrook blushes and quickly changes the subject. After performing this show for over 45,000 audiences Holbrook is almost as old as Mark Twain would be if he were alive today, yet he doesn't look a day older today than he did the first time he performed in the role.

In a recent phone survey, when asked what they fear more, death or public speaking, 80% of Americans curse and hang up. Of the 20% that answer, 80% choose public speaking. (The other 20% choose to stay with their current long-distance carrier.)  In truth, what people fear the most is being embarrassed. Yet, when reacting to an ugly article of clothing, most people state that they, "Wouldn't be caught dead
wearing that". What they really mean is, "I wouldn't be caught public speaking while wearing that."

So just what was Twain thinking when he quipped that man was the only animal that needed to blush?  In the histories of fashion and torture, no one was ever embarrassed to within an inch of their life. What Twain meant by his comment is that animals don't celebrate the holidays or speak in public. Even when people dress up their pets in silly outfits, they are only embarrassing themselves. To an animal, all things being equal, holidays are no cause for celebration.