Buzz kill for new year's resolutions

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

Of course, basically, you still have about a thousand miles left to go.
On the bright side though, it's still not too late to use the bathroom.

Pet philosophy

My dogma's better than your dogma.

it's a facade

Do not be fooled by outward appearances. 
I am most definitely chalant.

live and learn

Dear Darlene,

I was wrong. It has become increasingly apparent that I can live without you after all. Please return my jar of depilatory and my autographed copy of Mickey Rooney's memoirs. 

regards,
Stan

ps: I have neither forgiven, nor forgotten.

Fatal flaw

There are some things which cannot coexist in the same space. Not simply a matter of moving to another table, another apartment or even a new town. It's like anti-matter. One will eventually destroy the other. He was determined to prevail.

He can't recall the exact day his awareness of the problem began, but the date he began planning his retaliation was burned in his mind like the spot where the fly lights on the sherbet.  Carefully, quietly, methodically he toiled in preparation for the event which would free him from his overarching nemesis.  Countless were the days he executed 'dry runs', not allowing a single variable to occur which could scuttle his plans.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity of plotting and waiting, arrived the morning of the day for action.
But, even before he looked out the window; before he got out of bed; before he so much as opened his eyes - he knew he had failed. All his work, lo these many years, was for naught. He had made one minuscule, yet fatal error. One insidiously simple factor, tragically, had escaped him.  
It was raining.

Italy is shaped like a boot

Lovers of things British are called Anglophiles. 
Shouldn't those who are devotees of all that is Italian be called Italics?

Harsh words

Dear Penelope,

You can have no idea how difficult it is for me to write these words, but we must accept that it is over between us: Swimming naked in the waters of  the old harbor, off the side your family's yacht;  The days at the races; nights at the opera; the long autumn afternoons watching Marx Brother's movies in the media room of your family's winter estate in The Hamptons; the countless visits I made to you at Betty Ford.  
Yes, I'll always cherish the times I imagined we spent together.

Regards,
Anton

First God, then Santa Claus - now THIS?

Most disturbing new email subject line of the week.
From fab.com: 


"Andy Warhol Watches"

Fun Facts to Know and Share

That Rome wasn't built in a day is common knowledge. What you may not know is that these other cities, any of them equally large, ancient or exotic, were also not built in a day either:

1. Brisbane
2. Honolulu
3. Barcelona
4. Constantinople
5. Louisville
6. Buffalo
7. Beijing
8. St Petersburg (Russia or Florida) 
9. Pittsburgh
10. San Juan

It is, I think, emblematic of our humanity that - in the 20th Century alone and natural disaster aside, several cities were destroyed in less than a day.  

Misheard homilies

Perception is nine tenths of the flaw.

simplify

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." from Walden by Henry David Thoreau.

Really? Everyone around me does so much bitching about it.

An open letter to e-marketing director at Romano's Macaroni Grill:

Thank you, Romano's Macaroni Grill for your email w/ subject: "happy half birthday, Bob."
How did you know I just can't feel old enough, quickly enough?
Sincerely,
me
ps: for future reference I suggest the subject lines of some  OTHER spam I received along with your droll reminder of for whom the bell tolls:
 
1. "50% off new all weather window and door replacements."
2. "See naked photos of available women in your area."

You see? The former knows what I need, while the latter knows what I want.

Summer film I'd like to see.

t shirts are available

knock knock

No, I didn't sneak up on you.
Maybe you were distracted by the sunlight reflecting off your ego?

desha mu

desha mu: The feeling that you've been to Sea World before.

a rude awakening

I dreamed I was sleeping - and when I woke up, I was!

multiple paths to a dead end.

"There's more than one way to skin a cat."

And, yet - you hardly see all that much cat skinning going on anymore.

our changing lexicon I

Incom-pacitated - a state of immobility due to lack of funds.

Michael Scott calling...

Hans Jive

Film buff insider joke from another era:

Liberty shot first!

read the directions. After all, they are there to protect the manufacturer

Any time I utilize the convenience of a Healthy Choice, Lean Cusine or other variety of frozen mystery meat goodness on a plastic tray - no matter where I am, I always whip out my handy, pocket sized meat thermometer to verify it has cooked to a sufficient temperature, killing any intergalactic organisms which might be lurking within..... doesn't EVERYONE?

September hath 30

Our days are numbered*. 

Makes finding one of them on a calender that much more convenient.

*variation on theme: There are only so many hours in a day.
(Yes, 24 to be exact.)

me

I am so self absorbed I feel no obligation to complete a punch line.